Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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