I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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