Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
And then he peed in my hair
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