Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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