I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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