my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
