theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
