quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
either way he was missing a nipple.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
