so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I wear drunk well.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
