So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
