don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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