please come you make the beer taste better
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
