We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
