i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
