Swine flu is the new snow day.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize