u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize