I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
false alarm, still single
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