All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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