I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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