I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
