Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
