i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
