they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
