My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My dick has a subreddit
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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