I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
