the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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