true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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