I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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