Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize