now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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