Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I want a musical about memes.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
