he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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