Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
