hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
