Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just found puke in my bra..
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
