I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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