with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
