I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize