Where is the hickey?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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