I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
