I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
