I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize