my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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