Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
