I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
and she was petting her beer can
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
