My friends, they love my intelligence
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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