My girlfriend figured out who you are.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
