i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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