Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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