eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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