Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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