Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
