plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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