I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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