so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
