Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
