In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
