I am puke
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
