Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
